Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom. I never fantasized about my wedding, who I would marry or what my dress would look like. But I thought about what my babies would be like all the time. I started picking out names for them in middle school (most of the time based on my crushes or favorite TV shows and movies). I imagined that as soon as I did get married, it would happen.
But, it hasn’t. And it’s hard to say that. I have always had a super irregular cycle and was never able to get a straight answer from a doctor about why or what I could do about it. It always came back to being overweight and that was so frustrating to hear. About two years ago, I saw a new doctor and finally had at least a name: PCOS, or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. It was somewhere to start. After dealing with this for over half of my life, it felt like something was going to change because I had an answer. Only, I really didn’t.
I only lasted a few days taking it, and it was possibly the most uncomfortable I have ever been. I basically lived in the bathroom and was afraid to drive the hour to work, for fear that I would have to pull over to use the bathroom. I even tried to cut my dose in half and it still was too much for my system to handle. I went back to my doctor and the only option she gave me was to then start birth control. So I was back to square one.
I found a fertility clinic close to work that I decided to try and find a new doctor and see if there was anything else stopping me from having a baby. They did some tests and I even went in for a D & C and everything seemed to be fairly normal. I wasn’t ready to really start fertility treatments or anything like that which is what their primary goal was until I had more of an answer as to why things were the way they were.
Now that I have changed jobs, it made it even harder to go back to that doctor so I found someone new. I have an appointment next week to see if we can maybe get on the path to being a family of three (or more). It’s so amazing to see so many people around me becoming new parents and growing their families, but it’s also hard not to feel a little hurt and a little sad each time.
I know that if it is meant to be, it will happen, even if we have to try a little harder for a little longer. But I can almost see that little face and feel those tiny fingers. Of course I know that I am not the only one out there who struggles with this, and there are so many people who want to be parents, but I just wanted to share part of my story because infertility is still so taboo. I want to be able to tell people that we’re trying, and that we have been trying (or not NOT trying) for five years, but it seems to make them uncomfortable. If you are going through something similar, I just want you to know that you are not alone.